Deleting the day from my calendar and staying in bed is appealing, but it isn't real life. I am finally at a point now that I can face these days with at least some kind of composure. Processing the grief of losing my babies and accepting that we would not have children has been a slow and heart-breaking process.
How do you thank people for going out of their way to be kind when you face huge challenges in your life? For someone who likes to give, it was a question that plagued me as my living room was turned into a garden centre and my shelves filled with beautiful cards and messages during treatment for breast cancer.
The whole experience is a bit like climbing a mountain on which un-foretold difficulties continue to arise. These can be as small as stubbing a metaphorical toe, or as big as a ten-tonne boulder hurtling it's unforgivingly stony way towards you, Indiana Jones style, just as you are reaching for your hat.
Ten emails filled with free next day deliveries and 10% off today only. Eight different social media sponsored posts with free trials, hot new trends and more. Two bus stop banners, one in store point of sale display and a mail-drop brochure through the door. Two magazine covers promising that if I wear 'x' I will get a promotion or feel more confident.
I hadn't taken my shoes off and walked barefoot since last summer. But, a couple of weeks ago the sun was shining, the first signs of spring had emerged and I decided to indulge in being barefoot, my favourite method for bringing mind and body present, so that it is possible to hear the deeper stirrings of the soul.
We don't need to have "real" cash in our hands or our pockets so we spend without thinking with just a tap on a machine. I realised that now I was in a situation where I could only spend the cash that was in my wallet I was thinking more about what I was buying and was more aware of what I had spent.
So the purpose of this blog is to see the funny side of life. Life may be very difficult right now but I still have my sense of humour. I can only compare my life at the moment to one of a slug. I spend most of my time horizontal and moving slowly from room to room. The difference is I have arms so while I may feel as useless as a slug right now I still have the ability to type.
Before today, I was considering writing an article about the controversy of the hijab. I was considering writing about how so many people choose to wear the hijab despite the perturbing fear of being judged by different communities and for a multitude of reasons. But I was going to do that without admitting one thing which has been central to me writing it; I don't know if I want to continue wearing the hijab.