I'd changed my Facebook status... I'd sent out up to three different variations of group text (which people only seemed to resent as being impersonal)... I mean Jesus I'd even looked at some people directly in their needy little faces and told them that we were engaged. But that is just not enough for some people.
She's standing there, young, beautiful... just ask her. There's nothing wrong in asking, this is the place people come for such things. So, why are you nervous? You take a deep breath, she looks up and smiles, which should make it easier, but you croak a little as you say "I was just wondering if you...erm...do ... bra measuring?".
Oh, but wait. Bruce Forsyth has left the show. Normally when an older man doesn't return to work, you expect the worst. Or Anton Du Beke as he's generally known. Luckily, they replaced the walking chin with the bouncing fringe Claudia Winkleman.
As a comedian, feminism is something that pops up in discussion for me relatively often. I'm often asked to comment in blogs or interviews on whether there are enough women in comedy, whether we are treated differently and even whether or not we are actually very funny (I mean, I know right?!). So it's obviously a subject that I think a lot about.
Then I moved to Elephant, and no one was ready for that. For me - it was either stay in Highgate, continue to look posh but not take regular trips to my beloved second home, New York, or half my rent and go to New York often - Elephant won.
This year I did one of the few shows on the Scottish Referendum. In fact, it appears to have been the only one to be against Scottish Independence. How did the people of Scotland react to my sticking my slightly reddened comedy nose in? Generally, really well.
Thailand is of course a phenomenal country. A never-ending voyage of jungles, winding roads, fantastic people and constant adventure. It's pretty much the same as Leeds or an acid trip in Kew Gardens.
*(Was Mildly Interesting) ... I've realised that waking up to the sound of a human voice - unless it's someone screaming 'The house is on fire!' - is far preferable to waking up to an iPhone alarm (yes, even Slow Rise). I've realised that it is possible to switch off from the internet, especially if you keep your iPhone in another room and you're a bit lazy.
We don't intend to drink two bottles of wine when we specifically said we were only going to have one glass. That I would call weak-willed. Falling into the world-wide-web I would label as procrastination. And when we say we have learned our lesson and will never date someone 'like that' again, we genuinely mean it.
You are new, so no matter what your experience beforehand everyone will assume you are utterly crap at telling jokes to people. This can be frustrating when you are trying to assure everyone you are the UK's answer to Sarah Silverman with a bit of Lee Evans thrown in *cough*. The answer? Well, my answer, is to embrace it.
Scotland is a country that I adore, but she is letting herself down. Scotland is having a tantrum and behaving like a petulant teenager. And like a petulant teenager, she is neither big nor strong enough to go it alone. Get over yourself Scotland. You are a small country, deal with it... What's so special about Scotland anyway? Well, a lot actually. I think it's one of the greatest nations in human history. For a small country, it has and continues to contribute a disproportionately large amount to the world. Scotland's offerings in science, medicine, technology, music, engineering, entertainment and art are unparalleled. That's not to mention the landscape, the cities, the drinks and the epic women. But that doesn't mean you have to break off and go it alone
After a chat about downsides of being single in LA (which are MANY) Joan Rivers asked me 'So, why are you STILL single?' I was living in LA at the time and we were filming her show Fashion Police, in between the gaps she was grilling me - in her usual lovable direct way.
The problem is that the original concept of "celeb" reality shows was to mix a set of different "celebs" together so that you could see what they were really like behind their public facades. In Celebrity Big Brother almost everyone is "famous" for being in their own reality shows... This means that we already know what they are like. That is the point of the shows they are already on. It's very confusing.
to celebrate your love through the medium of photography, or perhaps, the making of amateur motion pictures. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and what happens in the privacy of your own home, or perhaps, workplace should remain private and confidential.
Thank you on behalf of all comedians working today who know that you always fought the enemies of comedy. You controlled the room always, in the most professional way. You leveled the playing ground for all comedians. You'll be missed, but not forgotten. Copied but never matched. Never bested.
Age did not endanger her spectacular exuberance. She worked harder than anyone else, jet-setting from country to country taping multiple shows, doing stand-up comedy, and selling books as well as her clothing and jewelry lines.
Love is not a finite resource. It is infinitely replenishable, and my capacity to feel it and share it with others is much bigger than I had ever imagined. Just like the TARDIS, I am bigger on the inside.
There has for some years now been a great deal of interest in Sweden here in the UK. I think this stems largely from the fact that Swedes seem like a happier, more successful version of us... What is their secret? It could be summed up in one word: 'lagom'. Lagom is a uniquely Swedish word with no direct translation into English. It means 'not too much, not to little'.
Six months of house-hunting in London and I still haven't sealed the deal. But I have met estate agents. Dozens of them. And it is almost unsettling; they have not been the rude, arrogant, cretinous benders-of-the-truth that the generalisation might suggest. They are different. Or, more accurately: indifferent... I wanted to interview one of these guys to see what the market looks like from their end...