1. Share if you love your kids. Oh, really? So, let me get this straight. I love my kids, you love your kids, and we all love our kids. But, you want me to let you know that I love my kids and I want you to let me know you love your kids, too? Plus, both of us get to tell the whole frigging world that we both love our kids...
This week I embraced padded shorts. Needless to say I was shocked to learn what design choices were used on the inside. I mean, basing it on a David Bowie costume is niche.
I do it because I think every single human being is capable of wonderful things, and I don't think anyone is stupid. I just think that a lot of us, myself included, don't know enough and if we were more thoughtful, looked deeper into issues and knew more, we could as a society be making better decisions and live in a far better world.
In the following short film (or 'film short' for those of you), my comedic partner Andy King and I (almost named after a popular musical) present a warm tribute to this time of times. Pray silence then for 'King Dredge,' as we are called, and let us take you back to the olden days of yore. Possibly before yore, I'm not shore.
David Cameron said when he came to power he wanted to improve people's happiness - that government policy was to be more focused on those things that make life worthwhile. To this end, the Cabinet Office has recently revealed which jobs in the UK give us the most satisfaction. Top of the list, of 274 job titles, is vicar; bottom of the list, is pub landlord. It is perhaps a surprise that these two jobs should be at opposite ends of the table given that they share many similarities: they both have dwindling regulars, both dish out wine and nibbles and if you spend a long time in either's establishment, you can think imaginary people are talking to you.
Scientific evidence has shown that neurons (brain cells) can rewire and change patterns throughout your lifetime as a result of your experiences and how you think about them. So your thoughts affect the physiology of your brain and the physiology affects your thoughts.
Some artistic revolutions are only recognised in hindsight, some spotted when they're actually happening. Vasari knew he was living through a Renaissance, so did Brian Epstein. As Stewart Lee's 3rd television series comes to an end it's clear to me that nothing less than a one-man revolution in stand-up comedy has occurred.
For some baffling reason, my upstairs neighbour seems to think it's okay to have a power shower after 11pm. Repeatedly. And after midnight. And usually 1am. And 1.15am. Then 1.20am. And 1.25am. And so on. Sometimes one after the other from 1am to 3am.
On arrival at Kensal Green overground my much younger girlfriend (MYG) texts me a weblink to a pseudo-enlightening Telegraph piece. According to the article, Chamberlayne Road is now the "Hippest Street in Europe". Just what is it about this neighbourhood that attracts A-listers such as Jade Jagger and Daniel Craig to live there?
But I hear you cry "Scotland was an independent nation for centuries between around 843 and 1707, and Venice was an independent state from around the seventh century right up 1797, whereas London has pretty much been at the heart of England since its foundation!"
Like most fat people, I have had a lot of mindless, hateful abuse spat at me. Strangers have either shouted "F**k you, fat b***h!" after me as I walked down the street or simply added a "You shouldn't eat that." if I eat anything but lettuce in public.
I think it's important to explain that major depression is not even peripherally related to "sadness." Depression is the absence of emotion. I never cried during my darkest periods of depression. Crying would have been A HOLIDAY. It would have been F***ING CHRISTMAS. A fight or a feeling of anger would have been AN EASTER EGG HUNT AT DISNEYLAND.
If you are like me you'll hate clichés, annoying repetitive sayings and phrases. We can't hide from them as they are everywhere we look and everywhere we turn. The only way to combat them is to fight back, and with vengeance.
In this episode I tackle why you're not getting laid on Tinder, how cocks are going to save the world and the guy with the world's worst game...
The feeling is that it's all a big conspiracy by Green Technology business interests or Communists or Politically Correct people, or whoever it is that they're currently feeling narky with. I'm quite amazed that no one has yet linked Climate Change propaganda with a plot to impose Shariah Law, but I assume it will only be a matter of time.
My ride starts at 8:30am, and finishes at 6pm. That means, that to stay abreast of the van, I must aim to average at least 10mph. Yup, I'm aiming high. All I want out of this is simply not to be rescued.
So, the first H&M store has just opened in Australia. In Melbourne of course, as Melbourne hits that magical sweet spot between up itself enough to prioritise fashion over everything but football, and cold enough that people need clothes all year round.
Notice how I haven't made this into a men versus women argument? Because it's not. I know plenty of men that adore shopping. The weirdoes.