I have been, for as long as I can remember, a staunch republican. I skipped the Royal Wedding and went on holiday to Florence, home of the Renaissance Republic, as it seemed the most delightfully pleasant form of protest. I think monarchy is an outdated and inherently absurd form of political power that contradicts every philosophical tenet in my heart - the idea that you can only be born into true royalty is at total odds with modern Britain's democratic principles and emphasis on meritocratic social mobility. Yet, there is a whopping great problem with my frothy-mouthed rhetoric... I bloody love the Queen!
Yesterday, I was rushing to a meeting at 6.30pm just off Leicester Square, in London.
We women have to employ a stealth approach to using humour in the boardroom, on public platforms and to build our relationships with friends and families. When we group together in tribes, professional networks, social or family groups, we are funny - gobsmackingly, hilariously funny, funny, funny.
Ah, alcohol. It's the mainstay of hundreds and thousands of years of culture. The discovery of late Stone Age beer jugs has established the fact that purposely fermented beverages existed at least as early as 10,000 BC.
I suspect that speech impediment fans will fight back by trying to confuse the England manager. Interviewers will start asking whether he plans to play Theo Ralcott alongisde Rayne Rooney. Or they'll invent an English grandmother to ask why he hasn't selected Sergei Rebrov or that talented youngster Joe Ranks-Highlyinrome.
The truth is, beards tend to fascinate people in the Western world. Other cultures have the beard built into their social DNA, but here, in this side of the world, a beard raises a question or two. Especially if you're David Beckham.
Anti-terror laws, government-sponsored arms-dealers and testing the limits of free speech and protest: Mark Thomas has tackled them all.
In 1944, when he wasn't messing about with cats in boxes, the philosopher Erwin Schroedinger wrote a book asking the eternal question: What is Life? I find in my advancing years that life is far too short to read what he might have said, but I doubt it had anything to do with Association Football, which is where he went wrong.
The first crush I ever had, before Pamela Anderson, was Sergeant Debbie Callahan, from the Police Academy films.
During a recent television interview, US President Barack Obama came out* with a bold statement regarding his views on same-sex marriage. If you fell asleep during the 22 words he used before he got to the point, in a nutshell, it was "Whatever dude, they're in love, stop harshing their buzz". All of which is entirely awesome and momentous to anyone with a brain, obviously.
"We live in a Post-post-Leveson world," he muses, cupping his b*lls. "People expect their journalism to be fresh, healthy, handmade now. We sell ours at journalism markets - truly horrifying f**kfests which take place in Stoke Newington school playgrounds and attract the very worst kind of smug pram-pushing broadsheet reader."
At the risk of seeming insensitive as we approach Mother's Day, I have a bone to pick with everyone out there who has chosen -- or tacitly accepted -- the role of motherhood. Could you please, for the love of God, stop referring to those of us who have chosen to not have kids as "childless"?
F&M are back once more to look at one of the most crucial debates being addressed right now: is The Voice better than Britain's Got Talent?
As well as sapping all semblance of civilization and basic human dignity from existence, this modern world, that you are all so very proud of, has ruined the talkies too. Computers, phones, internet, cyborgs; they've all combined to suck the mystery out of life (especially the cyborgs). And when the mystery goes, cinematic plot holes become very difficult to obscure.
One of my biggest ponderings about tourists over the years is what the hell they DO in Leicester Square. They all go there. But I never see them inside the cinemas or comedy clubs, so they're not doing that. There's nothing to see there, apart from the odd below-par caricaturist and the vague possibility of seeing Pat Sharp emerge from Capital FM.
Both Barack Obama and John McCain appeared on Saturday Night Live during their race for the residency, and one wonders if Mitt Romney will embrace this precedent before Election Day.
I'm fighting jet lag after returning from touring Australia, though still can't wait for my gig on Tuesday
If Twitter trends are an insight into the mind of its users then I fear that we are a mass of witless, sexist, racist, sycophantic celebrity stalkers who do nothing but watch reality TV and third rate children's films.
Today I read a story regarding comedian Ross Noble who has been criticised for taking the p*ss out of a disabled audience member's laugh. The disabled person, Luke Roberts, then went to the newspapers with his family to complain about it.
Ronnie Joice, 22.05.2012