funny tweets
"Ahhh dinnertime, the only time of the day the kids aren’t hungry."
"My husband lost his voice so I get to speak for him now and it’s amazing how many of our longest running arguments I’ve suddenly won."
"When my cat and I take a nap at the same time very close to each other that’s just parallel play 😌"
"no thoughts november. i will not be doing any more thinking"
"I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)"
"I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I'm looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work."
"Sad that my teenage kids don't believe in Santa any more, but happily they still believe in the elves that clean up the f**king kitchen"
"Take a road trip with at least two excitable chimpanzees with everfull bladders, endless appetites and terrible taste in music to find out if having kids is right for you"
"I sure have a lot of opinions about cooking shows for someone who's eating a paw patrol string cheese for breakfast"
Welcome to a world where every conversation has the potential to spiral.