When you're online dating, a lot of dates happen when they really shouldn't... Because you are so adorable, desirable and amazing, lots of people will want to date you, but you can't be into all of them. So you should be clear from the off about what you do and don't want in your online dating profile.
If you really want a date to go somewhere, you'll have to be honest - so no adding mystery inches to your height, re-imagining job titles or boasting of non-existent celebrity connections. You'll be found out for sure, and, your date will wonder just what else you're lying about...
When he arrives, I'm totally at ease. I have no expectations; I'm just out for a drink. I'm just myself, whatever that is, and he can like it or lump it. It doesn't matter if I don't fancy him, right? It's a shock, then, to find myself warming to him almost immediately.
In his faltering English, he tells me he wants to take me out for coffee. I've loads of work to do and look like I've been sleeping on the backseat of a bus for a week, but when I cast my mind back to the bubbles, I remembering liking what I saw. Let's see how he holds up without the taps digging into his back.
The true currency of dating, the one you never really think about, is time. Whether you're buttering up a honey in a noisy bar, doing extra lengths at the swimming pool to impress a buff lifeguard or stumbling through endless online profiles, the amount of time you spend on this initial process can be disheartening if the end result is less than satisfactory.
If there's one thing you learn when you're looking for Mr Right, it's that there's a whole slew of Mr Wrongs just itching to get in your way. It's like being in a computer game: you have to despatch bad guy after bad guy in order get to the goods.
You need a thick skin to be an internet dater. While there may be weeks where suitors are banging down your inbox, there are others when the only emails you'll get are from the dating site to remind you that you've been a customer for six months (already!) and must renew your subscription. Six months, and Mr Right still eludes you.