Writing's on the Wall will be a huge success - a monster hit, the first Bond theme to be Number 1, which it already is on iTunes and the Vodafone Big Top 40. But that won't make it any good. It's a pale, lacklustre impersonation of what's gone before. It will swiftly go the way of instantly forgettable X Factor chart toppers. Above all, it doesn't bode well for the film itself.
You'd think a fiftysomething Asperger would be the worst possible choice for a job like this; but over the last seven years I've found that, autism or not, my late father's public speaking ability has been downloaded directly into me - I can socialize, cope with travel and talk to an audience at the drop of a hat - and I understand how the neuro-typical world works.
Spoiler alert: Spectre aspired to be the most enigmatic Bond film yet until it revealed to the watching millions online there would be, roughly, six major action sequences and one character, a 'Whitehall newcomer', would be an antagonist.
Get this: I first thought I'd like to do stand-up when I saw Ben Elton on TV combining two of my favourite things - comedy and politics. I was 15 and I thought, I could do that (no offence, Ben). Then after plucking up the courage for two decades, I finally did my first gig. You read it right. TWO DECADES.
As with last January, to aid you with planning your year's cinemagoing, I've highlighted one film from each month that looks unmissable. It was hard narrowing it down to just one but I've concentrated hard and I think I've pulled it off.
Would a black Bond fail to convince because he would cut across the preconceptions of the audience? Of course, we are used to that sort of thing at the theatre...
It is often said that there's never a bad year for cinema and 2014 emphatically proved that. In a year when cinema admissions were down on the highs of the last few years and no single film crossed the £40m mark for the first time since 2003, it would be easy to be pessimistic about the current state of cinema.
All these items are being auctioned off to raise funds for Anno's Africa, a UK based charity whose focus is on providing creative arts education to orphans and vulnerable children in some of the biggest city slums in Africa.
You won't get a review here of the Aston Martin Rapide S - I leave that to expert petrol heads with their 0-to-60s (incidentally 5.1 seconds) and their bonnets full of ponies. What you will get is a delighted response to an extraordinary car that brought back buried family memories and was a treat to drive.
Sam Mendes' return to the James Bond canon bodes well for a franchise which has struggled for successive successes since the Sean Connery era. Not commercially, of course, but critically... However excellent Skyfall was it had plenty of flaws, so here are five ways for Mendes to make Bond 24 a better Bond outing.
As long ago as 2006 President Bush acknowledged (after lengthy rumours) that the US had transported to Guantánamo 14 "high value" detainees previously held by the CIA in a secret location. Now, seven years later, it's noticeable that Department of Defense's updates on the hunger strike at Guantánamo systematically exclude the high value detainees.
Ever since I recovered from a comma, double comma, people started suggesting new phrases to me all the time, thinking I'm some sort of a dialect-oracle and meme-prophet capable of coining anything into ฿itcoins. The question is - could I really make money by just tweeting axioms and aphorisms? That's ridic. In any case I went ahead and wrote this series of state-of-the-art youthemisms to all the youngsters out there who need a bit of a turd polish.
After the film's BAFTA and SAG awards, there should be no need to convince you that this is a film worth checking out, Bond fan or not.
In our age where life mimics art, you can be sure that each new gadget Hollywood dreams up will not remain a dream for very long. As technology catches up with imagination, the coolest devices move very quickly from the big screen into our own hands.
With JJ Abrams responsible for both Star Trek and Star Wars there's a lot of pressure on his shoulders, not least the pressure of keeping fans of both franchises on track and the fans happy and on side.
This week, snow lies across the country, suppressing mirth and stilling the air. The land is quieted, as is our national spirit, for it occurs to me that something is amiss in these isles. What became of English rumbustiousness, what Jacobson has called an 'obdurate independence'?