So the new Bond film is out. Monica Bellucci plays a Bond Girl in SPECTRE, aged 50. This is fantastic because I am 40 and thought I'd missed my chance. Clearly the opportunity is still there for me.
In How It Works HQ, we've been counting down the days to the release of Spectre, so much so that we dedicated our cover feature to the cool tech that drives the amazing Aston Martin DB10 and other souped-up spy cars. If you thought the gadget-packed rides on the big screen were fictional, think again.
Craig is terrific in the lead role. Still not my favourite Bond, but he's slipped into the role again like a comfy pair of shoes. Dave Bautista is great as a lethal henchman, Lea Seydoux is glacially cool and sexy, while Monica Bellucci is magnetic, despite too little time on screen.
This week, I met one half of the biggest pop bands in the world. Two of the most talked about individuals in 2015 pop culture and as I entered the room to grill them some more, they stood up and gave me a welcoming hug.
With Spectre now packing in audiences in cinemas across the world, it's the perfect time to indulge in a bit of fantasy secret agent work. I for one am not averse to slaying imaginary criminal masterminds before making my getaway in my imaginary jet-powered car.
But no, the new 'touchy-feely' MI6 is looking for people that understand the 'human side' of spying on people. Wanting recruits who are good at teamwork, they just aren't interested in the 'lonely misogynist' that is James.
At one point, the villain tells Bond that the elaborate torture he is about to carry out will take away his memories. He then carries out the torture - with no effect. Yet this is never mentioned! That torture machine must have cost a fortune, I hope he kept the receipt.
The difficulty now, amid the dazzle and spectacle of Spectre, is that there is nothing left for Bond to say. The narcissism is played out. The interest is gone.
Writing's on the Wall will be a huge success - a monster hit, the first Bond theme to be Number 1, which it already is on iTunes and the Vodafone Big Top 40. But that won't make it any good. It's a pale, lacklustre impersonation of what's gone before. It will swiftly go the way of instantly forgettable X Factor chart toppers. Above all, it doesn't bode well for the film itself.
You'd think a fiftysomething Asperger would be the worst possible choice for a job like this; but over the last seven years I've found that, autism or not, my late father's public speaking ability has been downloaded directly into me - I can socialize, cope with travel and talk to an audience at the drop of a hat - and I understand how the neuro-typical world works.
Spoiler alert: Spectre aspired to be the most enigmatic Bond film yet until it revealed to the watching millions online there would be, roughly, six major action sequences and one character, a 'Whitehall newcomer', would be an antagonist.
Get this: I first thought I'd like to do stand-up when I saw Ben Elton on TV combining two of my favourite things - comedy and politics. I was 15 and I thought, I could do that (no offence, Ben). Then after plucking up the courage for two decades, I finally did my first gig. You read it right. TWO DECADES.
As with last January, to aid you with planning your year's cinemagoing, I've highlighted one film from each month that looks unmissable. It was hard narrowing it down to just one but I've concentrated hard and I think I've pulled it off.
Would a black Bond fail to convince because he would cut across the preconceptions of the audience? Of course, we are used to that sort of thing at the theatre...
It is often said that there's never a bad year for cinema and 2014 emphatically proved that. In a year when cinema admissions were down on the highs of the last few years and no single film crossed the £40m mark for the first time since 2003, it would be easy to be pessimistic about the current state of cinema.
All these items are being auctioned off to raise funds for Anno's Africa, a UK based charity whose focus is on providing creative arts education to orphans and vulnerable children in some of the biggest city slums in Africa.