According to an article I read today, the true way to enjoy Christmas is to lay off the booze completely. Able to hold a conversation with your granny, wrap the awkwardly-shaped toy for your nephew and get stuck into helping cook the dinner without feeling queasy, will heighten and enrich your Christmas experience.
You know what, nude tights are actually one of the most ridiculous creations. As well as falling to pieces through one use, they are literally like a sausage skin. If you have ever made your own sausages you will know that pulling on that thin membrane makes absolutely no difference to the appearance of that sausage.
For once I would be able to hold his hand and properly chat to him without simultaneously having to steer the pushchair and placate the baby with some yoghurt raisins. It was going to be perfect.
So call me the Grinch if you enjoy being around people in the festive periods. Call me Victor Meldrew if you are one of those overly happy people who just LOVE Christmas. Call me a miserable old bitter Scrooge if are one of those people who are always so chirpy, you almost scare people.
So, here's my question to you: Why do you think that your freedom to mock and dehumanize marginalized groups unchallenged is more important than not actively encouraging harm against those groups?
Maybe that's what was interesting about Halloween for me this year: that the extremes of fancy dress just show us up for what we are, imposters riddled with status anxiety and insecurity, so busy playing tricks for an invisible crowd that we forget to notice the treats which lie apart from those seductive, backlit screens.
Earlier this week, while watching a re-run of Charmed over cereal, I naively decided to list my top five favourite witches on Twitter. The backlash was surprising; everyone had their own opinions. This more comprehensive ranking is an attempt to placate my critics before they turn me into a frog.
I know the Government have been busy recently, what with running down the British steel industry and trying to slash tax credits - but they seem to have completely forgotten one of their own consultations.
Everyone knows that accessories can transform an outfit, so why not apply the same logic when it comes to Halloween? It plays well for those who aren't into going all out but want to join in a bit on the dressing up front, but it doesn't even mean you can't go in character either. Some celebrities' accessories are their calling card, you just have to put a bit of thought into your outfit.
"Every story is, in its tiny way, a horror story," says author Chuck Wendig... So lock the front door, check under the bed for monsters, and huddle under the covers as we take you through the three reasons why sometimes, just sometimes, it's good to be afraid.
Daisy Brydon has baked cakes for the likes of Hugh Bonneville and Matt LeBlanc but here's a five-minute 'how to' video she made for The Early Hour. Time for a Halloween bake-off...
Halloween is one of the few occasions throughout the year where it's considered socially acceptable to overindulge on chocolate and sweets; for kids and parents alike. But social tradition doesn't make your body any better at coping with such a high and fast influx of sugars.
Yep. Halloween. That time of year where full grown adults with proper jobs and everything dress themselves up as half-sewn, blood-soaked, scantily-clad twats in the name of commercialisation, and consume ridiculous amounts of alcohol in exotic shades of green and orange in the name of All Hallows Eve...
It's late October, so we all know what that means... and no, this is not a reference to how many sleeps it is before christmas! Seriously! Its the fear time of the year, its Halloween, and this year I had the pleasure of attending Thorpe Parks Fright Nights.
Only in America could I have a chat with my mum over breakfast (she's been dead for 3 years), visited a whaling ship before lunch, driven through an Indian reservation after noon and enjoyed oysters and Prosecco that night. Our half term working holiday is almost too cliché to be believed.
Fancy dress not your bag of bogey themed candy? Just can't be bothered with the planning and expense of it all? Well here are the ultimate and the cheapest fancy dress cheats that will see you through this horror-ble weekend.