THE BLOG

Guidance for the Naive Undergraduate - Part Six: Money, Money, Money (not the Abba song!).

26/06/2014 11:12 BST | Updated 23/08/2014 10:59 BST

Of course, a huge problem of being a student has to be having dealings with Student Finance England or not them again, as I prefer to call them. Student Finance England are very much like the sexually transmitted infection Herpes, no matter what you do or say, all it takes is one encounter and you are riddled for life.

Student Finance England are socially awkward, I have a theory that when you ring them, they see your number on the phone, panic and just throw the phone across the room to avoid speaking to you. It is with this in mind that I have come to the conclusion that trying to communicate with Student Finance England is very much like trying to communicate with the dead, something both undergraduate students and Psychic Sally Morgan cannot do, or in the case of the latter, attempt to do so but fail spectacularly.

People come into contact with Student Finance England for a variety of reasons, though mostly because they require a student loan in order to pursue with their whistle stop tour of the British education system, prior to the Michael Gove apocalypse. This makes you wonder though doesn't it, we are so very nasty about Student Finance England when really we need them a lot more than they need us, which is very much like spitting in the face of your doctor whilst they are on their hands and knees performing chest compressions on you.

Naturally, the hardest part of receiving your student loan is resisting the temptation to blow your entire budget in fresher's week buying drinks for you and your entirely temporary and newly acquired acquaintances. Nobody likes a show off and nobody really likes Pound Bakery so take it easy on the spending, you big spender you! I once met someone who spent their student loan on a two month supply of pot noodles, several boxes of Durex' finest extra safe condoms and a load of clothes from the indie freak-show asylum that is Hollister. Fair enough, he blew his entire student loan but he hardly did it in style, not a lap dancer, hot tub or even a bag of cocaine cut with Sherbet Dip Dab in sight!

Of course, a significant issue with student loans is the fact that some students get more money than others, which does seem a little unfair. Essentially, if Mummy and Daddy are rich, then you aren't getting much in the way of financial support from the government. In my opinion this is terribly mean, just because Mother and Papa dabble in premium bonds doesn't mean they will supplement what you don't get with their own earnings, despite Student Finance England's post-lobotomy ingenious ideas thinking they will.

It is at this point that you may consider getting a part-time job, like most students do. It's obviously great to earn much-needed funds, gain experience and talk to real people, rather than webcam models, sat in your mouldy student room surrounded by empty bottles of beer containing all of your midnight urine produce, wondering where it all went wrong. However, part-time jobs are a minefield and will duly be covered in the next edition of this misguided and ultimately fruitless online blog series.

Oh and if you are wondering, yes you do have to complete another application form for Student Finance every academic year.