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Guidance for the Naive Undergraduate - Part Thirteen: Your Kind of People.

18/09/2015 11:29 BST | Updated 17/09/2016 10:12 BST

During your time as an undergraduate you are likely to encounter an array of people, some of whom you will like and some of whom you would pay to see take the last sip of their tea only to realise they have already drank it all. Such people are likely to fulfill your usual stereotype quota and meet all kinds of categories. Let us probe into a number of the types you are likely to find yourself associated with and damaging your reputation, street credit and above all, sanity in the process.

1) Sleeping Beauty.

They sleep all day, they sleep all night and you often get on your knees, ear to the floor and look under the door, wondering as to whether or not the poor bugger has indeed choked on a fruit pastel and died overnight. You are guaranteed to live with someone who is highly likely to have bedsores they spend so much time in their pit. They could be pursuing a Netflix marathon, crying because they realised they cant even boil an egg or they may well be, well, dead. They are likely to be self-ostracized from all of your of communal halls of residence type activities and outings, forever wondering why they are so excluded. Well if they didn't spend so long counting sheep they induced a coma upon themselves, they might receive an invite once in a while. You may cross like ships in the night, you may see them at meal times but then again you may not see them for the entirety of the academic year given that the only thing that would awake this sleeping beauty would be a shot of adrenaline. Probably best to leave them be but do be aware of any immediate smells of mortality.

2) The Drugs Mule.

This person is highly interested in horticulture, but the sort that brings a man with the posture of a pipe cleaner and the frame of a bookies pencil in a neon tracksuit banging on your door demanding his money. You are likely to be stuck with someone in your halls of residence who insists on smoking in the bathroom, as it is the only place in the building without a smoke detector, yet makes you feel like you are living with a pyromaniac. Whilst the closest you've ever got to an acid trip is a bit of reflux, this shady character holds great prowess in the art of excreting a Durex extra-safe stuffed with pills of the trippy kind. Cut them open and they bleed a sherbet-like substance, when this character got their student loan, the only reason they were tightening their belt was to inject the heroin they had blown two-thirds of it on. Approach with caution and never blow up balloons for their birthday party.

3) The Pest.

Whilst the only thing you're sharing your bed with on a regular basis is toast crumbs, Mr Lover Lover next door is infecting every denim hot-pants converse combination left right and centre with his collection of exotic sexually transmitted diseases. Not only that but you hear the wrongdoing take place, the walls in pre-fab student accommodation are so thin that your eardrums are likely to be a lot more reliable than the Clearblue, which the poor mans Hollister model is going to find herself urinating on after a night of passion with the campus shagger of the year. Invest in earplugs, that is of course unless you want to be awoken by the sound of a spanking at 6am.

4) The Trust Fund Crackhead.

Daddy works in finance and Mother is a consultant of some sort. This individual was privately educated at all of the 18k a term Operation Yewtree hotspots and were developing well until they ventured to mainstream sixth form college, discovered cheap cider and well and truly made a car crash of their A-levels. They now find themselves at a redeemed and reformed polytechnic pursuing a degree that leaves them shunned from the family as they all aboard on The Great Train Snobbery leaving them behind. Having wasted a year on a continent discovering themselves and saying yah to all opportunities that come their way, they plummet to earth with the mightiest of thuds. They realise that they have failed their parents and blown their well intended trust fund on what is likely to be a combination of drinks to buy themselves friends that will inevitably part like the red sea, the occasional spliff and/or a pair of loafers from Zara. Avoid like a toll road, unless they're buying.

5) The Slob.

They litter the kitchen with mouldy pots and pans, seem to think people enjoy picking clumps of their pubic hair from the shower plughole and have an ever-expanding collection of empty beer bottles, all recycled into some sort of semi-improvised colostomy collection. They still haven't adjusted to the fact that their parents wont be within the vicinity to pick up after them, instead they have the audacity to use your crockery and cutlery only to leave it unwashed next to their own pile they couldn't be bothered to wash and then had the cheek to use yours. Keep an eye on your possessions, a real eye.

My advice to you on this occasion is plentiful in its straightforwardness, be weary of who you associate yourself with and don't fall for the stereotypes people enjoy categorising themselves under. Keep your pots and pans safe, wear a chastity belt if need be and always bear in mind that you could in fact be living with a self-proclaimed serial killer.