PMQs Sketch: Diamond Dogs

On the opposition front bench Balls remained uncharacteristically quiet. After all, wasn't he supposed to be in goal when the ball was kicked towards the vase?
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Like two brothers who were both playing football indoors when the vase broke, neither willing to own up to taking the fatal kick, Ed and Dave stood eye to eye, each hoping the other wouldn't mention their role in the disaster.

"Let's not talk about the banks," said Ed, "I want to talk about the difference we've created in our approach to the banking inquiry that the public is apparently gagging for. Surely it needs to be like that media inquiry that I think is still going on, because that's been very embarrassing for you."

"Great," said Dave, "I don't want to talk about the banks either. My inquiry is infinitely superior to your inquiry... because it's faster."

Outside the chamber everyone wondered if any inquiry had ever achieved anything, outside of a bit of newspaper gossip.

Ed, who puts his slight resurgence down to calling for the interminable Leveson inquiry, persisted. "I understand the Prime Minister's need for speed" said he, "how about a judge-led inquiry that reports on Libor by Christmas but can investigate the rest of banking for the rest of the decade."

Dave, who feels he was forced into installing the interminable Leveson inquiry and hates Ed for it, retorted. "I always listen and look very carefully at proposals from all sides of the house. But there is a vote on Thursday; he can put forward his inquiry and I'll put up mine, and whoever gets the most votes wins. Fair?"

On Twitter, politicos and media-types who secretly love the boisterous, knock-about PMQs were moaning that the session had been a bit tame. Balls, normally chuntering from the first minute, hadn't bellowed once and even Bercow was shifting nervously, aware that he hadn't yet had a chance to admonish the Tory backbenches.

Ed, who often feels the hand of history on his shoulder before turning round and seeing Len McCluskey's big clunking fist, decided it was time for the jugular. "He just doesn't get it," said the opposition leader. Across the Labour benches MPs visibly rolled their eyes as Ed returned to his familiar, and failed, routine.

"I do get it," replied Dave, "and I'm not taking a lecture on 'getting it' from the party opposite."

Things had suddenly got a bit partisan. Tory MPs were jeering, Bercow was flouncing; now it was no holds barred.

"If he wants a history lesson," roared Ed - I'm not sure the Prime Minister had said he did, but it didn't matter by now Ed was in full flow, quoting Dave saying there wasn't enough regulation in the banking industry. "Whenever these scandals happen he is slow to act and for the wrong people."

Dave, who had no intention of bringing things back to Leveson, invoked science for his grande finale: "We may have found the Higgs particle but Labour still haven't found a sense of shame."

On the opposition front bench Balls remained uncharacteristically quiet. After all, wasn't he supposed to be in goal when the ball was kicked towards the vase?