To the boy who could never love me right,
What I hate about heartbreak is the fact that it leaves me with a blurry vision of what my life will be like. I'm not sure when I will be okay. I'm not sure when your name will leave my head. I'm not sure whether I will ever be okay.
I have many unanswered questions. Questions that I'll never have the answers to. Did I love too much? Was I not funny enough? Did you miss your ex girlfriend? Did you hate all of our arguments? There are numerous questions that I could pin at your door and wait for you to answer but maybe, it's better not knowing. The uncertainty that this breakup has left me is unsettling and makes me anxious. When I looked at our old photos, I asked myself when it all went wrong. Was there a day you woke up and decided to stop loving me? Did you meet someone else and realise that was the type of girl you wanted instead of me? The more I ask myself these questions, the more I realise that all I am doing is making myself feel even worse for 1) you breaking up with me and 2) who I am as a person. I stopped loving myself when you broke up with me. I didn't think I was worthy of ever being loved again. It's hard to look in the mirror when my eyes are puffy from crying and there are warm tears streaming down my cheeks to convince myself that I am okay.
When you stopped laughing at my jokes, I thought that I wasn't funny. When I made an effort to call you, you'd end the phone call after five minutes because you were 'sleepy'. When I didn't know what to say when you asked me about something political, your eyes wandered and you sighed and made me feel dumb. When I watched you on your phone on the train and you looked up at me with a half hearted sarcastic smile, you made me feel like I shouldn't have been there. You made me feel like you had to 'settle' for me and that you couldn't leave this relationship. The worst part was that I didn't need you to tell me that you didn't love me for me to know you no longer loved me. All you had to do was to look at me with a cold stare, your eyes empty without love and look back at your phone for me to know. You stopped looking at me with the sparkle in your eye you had once met me with at the start of our relationships. I knew I had loved you too much when I would find excuses for you hurting me.
The emotions that this heartbreak brings me is a roller-coaster. One minute, I'll be laughing with my family and optimistic that whatever will happen, it's for the best. The next minute, I'll sit in my toilet, crying over everything and using the toilet paper to absorb my tears. The truth is, you've taught me that no matter how hard I may try to stop crying, the emptiness you've left me with is excruciatingly painful. I'm an emotional wreck and that's absolutely okay with me.
You'll miss me. You'll miss me bringing you waffles every morning for breakfast. You'll miss my family laughing at your annoying jokes. You'll miss me sending you new songs that I love. But most of all, you'll miss me when you realise that I was the only one who stuck around when no one else did. Maybe, I loved a little bit too hard and fell in love with you for who you were. But, I don't have much to lose if I'm losing someone who could never make time for me. Someone who couldn't love me. Someone who lied to me. Despite everything and the depth of love I have for you, I had to stop lying to myself that I deserved this type of relationship. I convinced myself that you were busy and had valid excuses for not seeing me. I convinced myself that you only wanted to see me once a month because otherwise, we'd get sick of each other. I convinced myself that it was fine for you to be friends with a lot of girls from your work and call them endlessly because it was important for your 'future career'. I had convinced myself that a decaying relationship which was essentially non-existent was something that I had to settle for because the pain of you exiting my life scared me intensely. When you told me you were fed up, I fought for you but I whispered to myself 'Me too'. I had been hurting for a long time and hurt my heart by thinking it was okay to get hurt everyday.
When we went our separate ways, I was afraid that you'd forget about me. That you'd forget about me waiting every single day at the train station to walk with you. That you'd forget about me hugging you like I would never see you again even if I was seeing you the next day. That you'd forget that I loved you.
Even if the heartache takes me weeks, months or even years to get over, I hope you find the happiness you couldn't find in me. I hope you find a girl that you look at with that same sparkle in your eyes. I hope she reads the same books as you and that you'll be able to engage in 'intellectual conversations' about politics that you could never have with me. I hope you talk about her the same way I spoke about you. I hope that you'll be able to make time for her that you could never make for me.
As the days pass, you slowly fizz out to become a memory. I wake up and there aren't any more 'good morning' messages. The goofy snapchats you'd send me are gone. The endless phone calls we'd have throughout the day have disappeared. I want you to become a memory. I don't want to think about you anymore. However, I think I'll still miss you for a long time. Even if I never see you again, I'll never forget how you made me feel loved.
I guess all we'll be are two strangers who know way too many secrets about each other. I loved you too much. I loved you to the point where I gave so much to you, I had nothing left for myself.
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