These Extracts From Noel Edmonds' Unauthorised Biography Are Just Priceless

These Extracts From Noel Edmonds' Unauthorised Biography Are Just Priceless
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PA

Noel Edmonds wants to buy the BBC (apparently he's offered Tony Hall a skateboard, a tennis racquet and a 500-piece jigsaw).

So what better excuse to remind ourselves of his wit and wisdom... as portrayed in the pages of his unauthorised biography, published in 1999?

To find the gems contained within, look no further than Eamonn Forde, who last year, tweeted this -

- followed by a series of tweets which he Storified.

Here are a few highlights to enjoy - and be warned: some are off-the-scale Accidental Partridge...

Oh, and in case you're wondering, the book has two reviews on Amazon.

This four-star review: "This book is the story of Noel's rise through the ranks of show business from disc jockey to television personality. It is not a 'deep' book that requires your undivided attention, but you will be drawn back to it time and again because it will hold your interest. You can never know a person 100%........but this book enables you to come pretty close."

And this one-star review: "This book was supposed to be in excellent condition but was in poor condition.Slow postage!Went straight in the bin-not happy."

30 Great Things About Growing Up In 1970s Britain
Figurini Panini sticker albums(01 of30)
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Whether you loved football or Disney movies, you could literally lose DAYS filling in your Figurini Panini sticker albums... as well as all your pocket money on buying the packets.
Multi Coloured Swap Shop(02 of30)
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Back when Noel Edmonds wasn't annoying - nor Keith Chegwin, for that matter - we all thought it was great to give things away to strangers. In exchange for something else, of course. Who can forget the 'Top 10 Swaps'?! (credit:BBC)
10p mix of sweets(03 of30)
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Cola Bottles! Cola Fizz! Other sweets that weren't Cola flavoured! Yes, you could buy a whole bag's worth - and still have money left over for a Wagon Wheel. (credit:Alamy)
The Goodies(04 of30)
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Did we completely understand the true genius of The Goodies at the time? Or did we just love their silly jokes, slapstick chases and the giant white kitten? Who cares. They were brilliant. (credit:BBC)
Space hoppers(05 of30)
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The most fun - and possibly least practical - form of transport in the 1970s. (Although clearly the kid in this photo is doing it wrongly, as the space hopper's face is facing backwards.)
Half pennies(06 of30)
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In the Seventies, we were rich! Rich, we tell you! Or it at least it felt that way, because our pockets and piggy banks were weighed down with half-penny coinage.
Fingerbobs(07 of30)
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A man called Yoffy. A selection of gloves. And lo! You had 'Fingerbobs'. Only 13 episodes were ever made - and yet our memories are engrained with phrases like: "Yoffy lifts a finger... and a mouse is there".
Morph (08 of30)
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...and his master, Tony Hart, of course. And his mate Chaz. And the nailbrush dog. And all the other wonderful things about 'Take Hart'. But mostly: Morph.
Flares(09 of30)
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Admittedly, they weren't the most practical item of clothing - especially when you wanted to ride your bike - but still, they went with everything. And by 'everything' we do of course mean knitted vest-tops and clogs.
Dymo Label Makers(10 of30)
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If it wasn't nailed down in the 1970s, chances are it got embellished with a Dymo label (with your name on). (credit:Dynamo)
The Clangers(11 of30)
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Was there ever a sweeter, more gentler race than the Clangers? No. Never. Not even the French come close. (credit:PA)
Cassette tape recorders(12 of30)
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The machines used to record every '70s mix tape, every home radio show you made with your siblings, and every Top 40 rundown (by placing it in front of the radio).
Hot summers(13 of30)
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Because the summers were hotter in the Seventies... weren't they? That's how we remember it, anyway. (credit:Alamy)
Bagpuss(14 of30)
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"Once upon a time, not so long ago..." we all watched an adorable show about a saggy cloth cat and a marvellous, mechanical mouse organ. And it really was marvellous. (credit:BBC)
Record Breakers(15 of30)
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If you wanna be the best... If you wanna beat the rest... Wooah... you've got to watch the inimitable Roy Castle on 'Record Breakers'. As we all did.
Jackie magazine (16 of30)
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There wasn't a week that couldn't be enhanced by the arrival of Jackie magazine. And a problem that couldn't be solved by its agony aunts, 'Cathy And Claire'.
The Bay City Rollers(17 of30)
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Loved flares? Loved tartan? You must have LOVED The Bay City Rollers. Altogether now: "Bye bye, baby, baby bye bye..."
Polo mints costing 4p(18 of30)
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Imagine how many packets you could buy with your weekly pocket money! (And fortunately back then, the ensuing dental work would be free.)
Tiswas(19 of30)
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The anarchic older brother of BBC Saturday morning TV, the truly cool/hard kids watched ITV's "Today Is Saturday, Watch And Smile". And who can blame them? It had foxy Sally James on it. (credit:ITV)
Kevin Keegan(20 of30)
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Boys loved him for his footballing skills, girls loved him for his hair. Mainly because girls wanted to have hair like his. (credit:Getty Images)
Vinyl records(21 of30)
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Back in the days when albums were games of two halves, album covers were works of art, and inner sleeves contained lyrics. The only thing better than a vinyl record? A double gatefold vinyl record. Oh, yes. (credit:Getty)
Why Don't You?(22 of30)
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Why Don't You... just switch off your television set and go out and do something less boring instead? Or failing that: leave your television on and watch a bunch of middle-class kids tell you what to do. Brilliant!
View-Masters(23 of30)
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Pop a disc in! Click through the pictures! Repeat forever!
The Wombles(24 of30)
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Through their actions, they taught us to not drop litter, and through their names, they taught us geography. Was there nothing we couldn't learn from the cuddly inhabitants of Wimbledon Common?
Look-in magazine(25 of30)
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A Radio Times for kids, "la la la la la" Look-in magazine was available every week. Just like the jingle said.
Animal Magic(26 of30)
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Johnny Morris! Doing the voices to animals! TV didn't get much better than this. Well, not until Morris voiced 'Creature Comforts', that is.
ABBA(27 of30)
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They burst into our consciousness with 'Waterloo' and provided ear worms before any of us ever used that phrase. The flares and platforms were just a wonderful added bonus.
Play School(28 of30)
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Your favourite toy was Little Ted, right? No, wait: Jemima. And your favourite presenter was Brian Cant? No. Fred Harris. Floella Benjamin? And which shaped window did you like best? *continues ad infinitum*
Roller skates(29 of30)
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If you were VERY lucky, you had boots like these. If you were less fancy, you had ones that you strapped to your shoes. Either way, they were the best mode of transport for '70s kids (apart from space hoppers). (credit:Alamy)
Bazooka bubble gum(30 of30)
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Chew one of these and you could blow the biggest, pinkest bubbles known to man. Swallow one, and it would be in your stomach until 1984.