Ah, Christmas! A time of sweetness and light, comfort and joy.... unless you're living in Marks And Spencer world.
Yes, the M&S 2013 Christmas advert has just been unveiled, and put it this way: if weird gothic spookiness and a scantily clad woman-child is your thing, then you're in for a treat! Here's a plot point-by-bizarre plot point breakdown of what happens (and below that, the full video):
The 2013 M&S Christmas Ad
A white dog runs down a dark cobbled street, pursued by...(01 of36)
...a woman who, frankly, runs like a girl.(02 of36)
This woman turns out to be Rosie Huntington-Whiteley wearing M&S clothes. (03 of36)
Rosie spots an open pothole. (04 of36)
Instead of reporting this dangerous hazard to the police, she falls down it. All is now clear: the dog was the white rabbit and Rosie is Alice in Wonderland.(05 of36)
While falling down the pothole, all of Rosie's clothes fall off. We don't remember this bit in Alice In Wonderland.(06 of36)
When she lands, however, she is fully dressed...(07 of36)
...and at some sort of terrifying gothic dinner party.(08 of36)
At the head of the table sits David Gandy, aka the Mad Hatter/the poor man's Clive Owen.(09 of36)
The dinner table is full of things that you can presumably buy at an M&S food hall...(10 of36)
...or in its accessories section.(11 of36)
Surrounded by scary women whose outfits you can presumably buy at M&S, David Gandy gestures to Rosie to help herself.(12 of36)
So Rosie seizes the bag.(13 of36)
One of the scary women isn't happy about this, so she tries to kill Rosie with a pack of cards.(14 of36)
Rosie runs through a forest pursued by a group of terrifying human playing cards, all of whom are subject to availability.(15 of36)
(She has at least stopped running like a girl, and is now running like a silent movie actress.)(16 of36)
Rosie arrives at a Hansel And Gretel-style gingerbread house.(17 of36)
She is whisked out of the house on a magic carpet. We don't remember this bit in Hansel And Gretel. Wait. Is this 1001 Arabian Nights now?(18 of36)
Amazingly, once again, all her clothes fall off.(19 of36)
Rosie wraps her arms around herself because it's cold at that altitude, and because it enhances her cleavage.(20 of36)
The poor man's Clive Owen suddenly reappears.(21 of36)
They approach a post-apocalyptic London.(22 of36)
Or is it Narnia? No, wait - yellow road. Bunches. It's Oz!(23 of36)
David Gandy appears out of a bush dressed as an Austrian yodeller.(24 of36)
Rosie makes two friends: a woman who looks like a lion and a woman who's going prematurely grey.(25 of36)
The latest reference is made really clear for the hard of thinking.(26 of36)
(Turns out David Gandy is a scarecrow, not a yodeller.)(27 of36)
The four companions arrive in Oz.(28 of36)
Where the wizard turns out to be...(29 of36)
...Helena Bonham Carter.(30 of36)
Rosie clicks her heels together just twice. Presumably three times is copyrighted.(31 of36)
As a result, she appears in a workman's hut.(32 of36)
Channelling her Queen Mother role from The King's Speech, Helena Bonham Carter reappears with Rosie's dog/rabbit.(33 of36)
Rosie is reunited with her dog/rabbit.(34 of36)
Marks And Spencer tells us we should believe in... gothic horror? Completely unconnected stories? Adverts that will give you nightmares?(35 of36)
Ah, magic and sparkle. But of course! (36 of36)
NOW WATCH THE ADVERT: