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Six Nations 2014: A Prediction Of Who Will Win, Based On Six Spurious Analyses

Six Nations 2014: Who Will Win Based On Looks, Flags And More
Andrea Mann
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PA

Don't follow rugby? Fear not - nor does HuffPost UK Comedy. But that's not going to stop us making a Six Nations prediction. Here's our guide to who's going to win this year's European Super Bowl, based on six things which have absolutely nothing to do with how well each team plays....

1. BEST-LOOKING CAPTAIN - ENGLAND

You know what I'm talking about, ladies! Right?!

Six Nations: Best-Looking Captain
Scotland - Kelly Brown(01 of06)
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Puppy-dog eyes, interesting nose. Jake Gyllenhall meets Noel Fielding.
Italy - Sergio Parisse(02 of06)
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What he lacks in hair, he makes up for in good features.
Wales - Sam Warburton(03 of06)
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Rugged, smiley, slightly reminiscent of Gerard Butler.
Ireland - Paul O'Connell(04 of06)
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Ireland's answer to Hulk Hogan (minus the hair).
France - Pascal Pape(05 of06)
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The Martin Freeman of France.
England - Chris Robshaw(06 of06)
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Pretty, yet beefy. 50% Gavin Henson, 50% Shane Warne.

2. FIERCEST-LOOKING CAPTAIN - ITALY

From left to right: Ireland: not that fierce. Italy: very fierce. England: befuddled. Wales: now that he's wiped that smile off his face, pretty fierce. Scotland: more proud than fierce. France: confused.

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3. SILLIEST PLAYERS' NAMES - IRELAND

Using four random players from each team, from the RBS Six Nations website:

Six Nations 2014: Silliest Players' Names
England(01 of06)
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Chris, Dave, Mike - dull, dull, dull. Thank goodness Brad Barritt almost saves the day. (credit:www.rbs6nations.com)
Italy(02 of06)
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Not too bad. We do like an Italian chap called Allan; plus double points for having two 'Tommaso's. (credit:www.rbs6nations.com)
Scotland(03 of06)
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Kelly Brown scores points for having a girl's name, and we like that Geoff Cross actually looks cross. (credit:www.rbs6nations.com)
France(04 of06)
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We're loving 'Bastareaud', plus the fact that one of them is a bit like 'Hugh Bonneville'. (credit:www.rbs6nations.com)
Wales(05 of06)
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Biggar and Ball both amuse us, as does Jake's lack of a face. But this is about names, so... (credit:www.rbs6nations.com)
Ireland(06 of06)
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Best and Boss! This is more like it. And who on earth could better 'Rodney Ah You'? (credit:www.rbs6nations.com)

4. NATIONAL FLAG - WALES

Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull... MYTHICAL CREATURE!

Six Nations: The Flags
Italy(01 of06)
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Three bands: green, white and red.
France(02 of06)
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Like the Italy flag, only blue, white and red.
Ireland(03 of06)
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Like the France flag, only green, white and orange.
England(04 of06)
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Slightly sexier. A red cross on a white background.
Scotland(05 of06)
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Even sexier. A diagonal white cross on a blue background.
Wales(06 of06)
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A flag with A F****** MYTHICAL CREATURE ON IT!

5. NATIONAL FLOWER - SCOTLAND

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty... PRETTY AND VICIOUS.

Six Nations: National Flowers
Wales - Daffodil(01 of06)
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Pretty. Yellow. Looks a bit like a trumpet.
France - Iris(02 of06)
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Pretty. Purpley-blue. Van Gogh painted them, despite not being French. (credit:Shutterstock)
Ireland - Shamrock(03 of06)
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Pretty, green... In fact it's not much of a flower, more a type of greenery. (credit:Shutterstock)
Italy - Lily(04 of06)
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(Though there is dispute over this, as Italy isn't big on national flowers.) Pretty, elegant, bit depressing as you associate them with funerals. (credit:Flickr:rist2796)
England - Rose(05 of06)
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Pretty, red, often covered in dew drops.
Scotland - Thistle(06 of06)
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Pretty, purple, slightly vicious. And thus is the toughest of all these flowers. (credit:Shutterstock)

6. NUMBER OF EUROVISION SONG CONTEST WINS - IRELAND

What's another year? Another Irish Eurovision win!

That's right - you read it here first. With two wins out of our six, we predict that Ireland will win this year's Six Nations tournament. Sláinte!

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