Christian Grey Book: The Most Ridiculous Sex Scenes From E.L. James' New 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Novel (NSFW)
The (Very NSFW) 'Grey' Sex Scenes Are Beyond Ridiculous
Rachel McGrath— The Huffington Post UK
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The ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ series wasn’t exactly known for its literary prowess, but it seems E.L. James has outdone herself with her latest effort. Well, in the ridiculousness stakes anyway.
‘Grey’ tells the infamous ‘Fifty Shades’ story, from Christian’s perspective. Because that’s what we were all crying out for, wasn’t it?
The blurb promises “a fresh perspective on the love story that has enthralled millions” and it’s safe to say that Christian’s view is certainly different.
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'Grey'
Gone is Ana’s “inner goddess”, and in its place is Christian um... well... talking about his manhood. A lot.
Here are the most ridiculous (and NSFW) “sexy” moments from the book…
Seriously - they're definitely NSFW. You have been warned.
Christian describes Ana losing her virginity:
She’s probably never had an orgasm - though I find this hard to believe. Whoa. I’m responsible for her first fuck and her first orgasm. I’d better make this good.
"Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that.” I’m going to make you come like a freight train, baby.
LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN? Y’what?
The ginger bit is this book's tampon scene:
An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted into her ass so she can't clench her buttocks, comes to mind, followed by a judicious use of a belt or strap. Yeah... That would teach her not to so irresponsible.
Ah, that classic punishment. A chunk of ginger up your nether-regions. We've all been there, haven't we? Huh? No? WHAT?
Christian's view on the world's most famous tampon:
"When did you start your period Anastasia?"
I just want to fuck you without a condom.
"Yesterday," she breathes.
"Good." I step back and spin her around. "Hold on to the sink," I command. Grasping her hips, I lift her and pull her backward so she's bent over. My hand glides down her ass to the blue string, and I tug out the tampon, which I toss in the toilet.
His version of Ana's "inner goddess":
I have never slept with a woman. I've fucked many, but to wake up beside an alluring young woman is a new and stimulating experience. My cock agrees.
Good to know...
And there she is: disarming once more, surprising me at every turn. My cock concurs.
His manhood does a lot of agreeing, FYI.
At one point, things are getting so hot that EL's return button breaks:
I'm hard.
Instantly.
I want her.
Here.
Now.
In the elevator.
The hokey cokey gets X-rated:
"You feel so good," I tell her, and repeat the move again, circling my hips as I go. Slowly. In. Out. In. Out. Her insides start to tremble.
"Oh no, baby, not yet."
No way am I letting you come.
Not when I'm enjoying this so much.
"oh, please," she cries.
"I want you sore, baby." I pull out and sink into her again.
This is weird, right?:
I like my women in skirts. I like them accessible.
Poor Ana can't even just enjoy a cuppa:
"This is my favourite tea," she says, and I revise my mental note hat it's Twinings English Breakfast tea she likes. I watch her dunk the teabag in the teapot. It's an elaborate and messy spectacle. She fishes it out almost immediately and places the used teabag on her saucer. My mouth is twitching with amusement. As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she's describing what she likes in a man.
Get a grip, Grey. She's talking about tea.
Finally, it's not saucy but you've made it this so far, so here's a bonus snippet. The Wig is here (!!!):
Mia proceeds to talk nonstop about Paris: her tiny room, the plumbing, Sacré-Coeur, Montmartre, Parisians, coffee, red wine, cheese, fashion, shopping.
'Grey' is available now, in all good (and bad) bookshops and online stores.
'Fifty Shades Of Grey': Where Do You Know The Cast From?
Jamie Dornan (Christian Grey)(01 of10)
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Let's start with the obvious, shall we?Leading man Jamie Dornan is probably best known for his role in 'The Fall', but you might recognise him from the film 'Marie Antoinette' or the TV series 'Once Upon A Time', where he played The Huntsman.That said, you just might have seen his impressive Calvin Klein underwear ad campaign a few years ago too... (credit:Jon Kopaloff via Getty Images)
Dakota Johnson (Anastasia Steele)(02 of10)
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Daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, Dakota starred in 'The Social Network' and '21 Jump Street' prior to landing the part of the leading lady in 'Fifty Shades'.She also starred in the final episode of the US 'Office', and - like her co-star Jamie Dornan - has also done some modelling work. (credit:Gardiner Anderson/Bauer-Griffin via Getty Images)
Eloise Mumford (Kate Kavanagh)(03 of10)
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Fresh from her roles in TV shows 'Lone Star' and 'The River', Eloise has landed her biggest role to date as Anastasia's roommate and confidante, Kate. (credit:Jim Spellman via Getty Images)
Jennifer Ehle (Carla Wilkes)(04 of10)
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Over the course of her career, Jennifer has bagged two Tony Awards for her roles in 'The Real Thing' and 'The Coast Of Utopia'. She was also awarded the Best Actress TV Bafta in 1996, for her portrayal of Elizabeth Bennet in 'Pride and Prejudice'.More recently, Jennifer starred opposite Colin Firth in 'The King's Speech', and also nabbed roles in 'Contagion' and 'Zero Dark Thirty'. She's playing Ana's loving but often-absent mum in 'Fifty Shades'. (credit:ROBYN BECK via Getty Images)
Victor Rasuk (José Rodriguez)(05 of10)
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One of Victor's biggest pre-'Fifty Shades' roles was in skating film 'Lords of Dogtown'. A method actor, Victor tried to remain in character at all times, leading to him fracturing one of his orbital bones while skating in his spare time. Ouchie.He also appeared in 'Godzilla' last year, as well as the Steve Jobs biopic, 'Jobs', where he played Bill Fernandez. (credit:Craig Barritt via Getty Images)
Luke Grimes (Elliott Grey)(06 of10)
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You might recognise handsome American actor Luke Grimes from his part in 'American Sniper', or his recurring role in the American drama 'Brothers And Sisters', where he played Ryan Lafferty.He'll be playing Christian Grey's adopted brother Elliott in the new movie. (credit:Rindoff/Dufour via Getty Images)
Rita Ora (Mia Grey)(07 of10)
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Never heard of her. Next. (credit:Steve Granitz via Getty Images)
Marcia Gay Harden (Grace Trevelyan Grey)(08 of10)
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Despite having a relatively small role, Oscar-winning actress Marcia probably has the most impressive CV of all of the 'Fifty Shades' stars.Some of the films she's starred in include 'Meet Joe Black', 'The First Wives Club', 'Whip it' and 'Pollock', which bagged her the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. (credit:Michael Tran via Getty Images)
Dylan Neal (Bob Adams)(09 of10)
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Dylan Neal will be playing Anastasia's stepdad and main father figure and source of guidance, Bob.After leaving American soap opera 'The Bold and the Beautiful' after two years, he went on to star in 'Sabrina The Teenage Witch' (as Sabrina's last ever love interest), 'Dawson's Creek' and, more recently, 'Bones'. (credit:Angela Weiss via Getty Images)
Max Martini (Jason Taylor)(10 of10)
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Not to be confused with the similarly-named Grammy-winning pop producer, Max Martini will be playing Christian Grey's faithful head of security, Taylor, in 'Fifty Shades'.His credits include three years in 'The Unit', and an important role in 'Pacific Rim', where he played Hercules Hansen. (credit:Araya Diaz via Getty Images)