It’s back. The new series of ‘The Apprentice’ kicked off with a twist by starting out on the island of Malta with the classic ‘collect nine items’ task, which presented both teams with a number of hurdles, including a significant language barrier. One thing that didn’t change, however, was the pretty heavy-handed smattering of awful one-liners and oddly over-prepared jokes the contestants use.
But was it just us, or did this episode up the ante with the number of excruciatingly cringeworthy punchlines? Well, we definitely thought so, so we decided to take some time to archive them on the internet so you can relive them over and over again, forever. Thank us later.
Here are eight of the worst best:
1. “I’m like a cash machine – if you push the right buttons, I will give you money.” – Alexit
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That’s not really the point of the show though, is it?
2. “I might look like your business cuddly bear, but if you cross me, I’ll knock your stuffing out.” – David
So are you the cuddly bear, David, or are we? Or in this scenario are we both cuddly bears?
3. “I’m an extremist, my goal is worldwide domination, and I’m not gonna stop until I get it.” – Camilla
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U ok hun?
4. “If you’re unhappy with my process, you can go and tell it to my HR firm: ‘Diddums and Don’t Care’.” – Lord Alan Sugar
There’s no way his boardroom jokes are off-the-cuff. Just how long has he been saving that one up for?
5. “Some people say money can’t make you happy, but I’d rather cry in a sports car than cry in a banger.” – Daniel
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We’d rather not be crying.
6. “I’m just itching to go in this process, I’m wondering if someone put fleas in this seat because I’m ready to go, to be honest with you.” – Kayode
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And to be fair, the ‘ridiculously confident’ professional speaker was pretty high energy for the majority of the episode.
7. “I can be the bozo that didn’t go to Gozo” – Kayode
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And that he was.
8. “There’s no need to watch your back when I’m already two steps in front.” – Frank
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10 mins into the first task (he’s the one lagging behind on the left, FYI)...
‘The Apprentice’ airs on BBC One on Wednesdays at 9pm. The first episode is now available on BBC iPlayer.
Meet The 'Apprentice' 2018 Candidates
Sarah Ann Magson(01 of16)
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Age: 37 Occupation: Solicitor She says: "I am used to laying down the law in the courtroom, but now I’m going to lay down the law in the boardroom" (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Alex Finn(02 of16)
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Age: 21 Occupation: IT ananlyst He says: "I know everything. Call me 'Google', it's my middle name." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Sabrina Stocker(03 of16)
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Age: 22 Occupation: Owner of a tennis events company She says: "I am a mix of Willy Wonka drinking an espresso martini… classy and sophisticated on the outside; inside, a little bit crazy and wacky but full of brilliant ideas.” (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
David Alden(04 of16)
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Age: 32 Occupation: Tax advisor He says: "My friends and family call me the Duracell bunny as I take on so much and never stop. I just keep going." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Kayode Damali(05 of16)
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Age: 26 Occupation: Professional speaker He says: "I’m not here to razzle dazzle and hit you with buzzwords…anyone can say those things and I’m not anyone, I’m Kayode Damali. If you’re not your own biggest fan, who do you expect to be it for you?" (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Sian Gabbidon(06 of16)
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Age: 25 Occupation: Swimwear company owner She says: "I bring both the passion and the fire - in the boardroom, I will be merciless." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Tom Bunday(07 of16)
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Age: 28 Occupation: Tree surgery firm owner He says: “There are very few people that can genuinely say they’re going to make it - but I know that I’m going to.” (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Khadija Kalifa(08 of16)
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Age: 28 Occupation: Eco-cleaning company owner She says: "I’m a serious Mumpreneur who doesn’t have time for time-wasters and idiocy." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Daniel Elahi(09 of16)
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Age: 28 Occupation: Lifestyle brand owner He says he's like Jordan Belfort from 'Wolf Of Wall Street' because of his "entrepreneurial skills" and "lavish, party lifestyle" (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Jackie Fast(10 of16)
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Age: 34 Occupation: Sponsorship consultant She says: "I'm a trailblazer... I'm not intimidated by anyone or anything." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Kurran Pooni(11 of16)
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Age: 22 Occupation: Law graduate He says: "I don’t eat, sleep, breathe business but I do eat, sleep and breathe success." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Camilla Ainsworth(12 of16)
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Age: 22 Occupation: Nut milk brand owner She says: "I ain’t no Vanilla Camilla." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Rick Monk(13 of16)
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Age: 33 Occupation: Quality controller He says: "I won't pussyfoot and waste time. People will have to like it or lump it." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Sarah Byrne(14 of16)
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Age: 29 Occupation: Children's acting academy owner She says: "I am me, I don’t have a posh accent or pretend to be anyone else. My personality sells me, my passion to succeed and work ethic. (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Frank Brooks(15 of16)
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Age: 27 Occupation: Senior marketing manager He says: “There's no need to watch your back when I'm already two steps in front.” (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)
Jasmine Kundra(16 of16)
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Age: 34 Occupation: Learning and development manager She says: "All is fair in love and war…and business is war." (credit:BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring)