The new series of ‘Celebrity Masterchef’ kicked off last night, and it’s probably fair to say the right person was sent home almost immediately.
Sinitta may be many things or, according to the blurb at the beginning, “actor and singer”, but she is certainly not, even in the vaguest of terms, a chef. Or a cook. I think we can safely assume, based on one TV hour, that when she’s on Simon Cowell’s boat, she’s sunning herself, not sautéing.
You know you’re in trouble when even the eager-to-praise food puppy Gregg Wallace can’t bring himself to eat your culinary morsels.
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Sinitta could tell the judges weren't happy
BBC
But that’s what happened on last night’s debut episode, when Sinitta served up her first dish. With the five contestants given the choice of squid or minced lamb to prepare, Sinitta opted for both - and why not? While the squid looked surprisingly appetising on a bed of spinach, the lamb was shoehorned into aubergine, not entirely cooked.
John Torode’s eyebrows were through the ceiling, but he did find a tiny bit to taste and dismiss. Gregg Wallace was not so brave. “I’m not sure I can eat that,” he started, prodding desperately for meat with some colour on it. “No, I’m not going to.”
And then it got bad, when Sinitta promised the judges “beef and spinach mousse”. Once again, the oven clearly wasn’t working.
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"It's a beef and spinach mousse, obviously"
BBC
Sinitta’s disaster meant almost equally unworthy contestant Tommy Cannon lived to see another kitchen, although from this first batch of five, my money’s on actor Alexis Conran.
Don’t try this at home, people. Except she does. The most worrying part of the entire debacle was Sinitta’s confident assertion, “My children think I’m an amazing cook.” Wow. Surely, it would be kinder to sit them down with a McDonald’s bag and blast them with ‘Toy Boy’. On loop.
Tap the first picture to open the slideshow:
Celebrity Masterchef 2016
Tommy Cannon(01 of20)
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One half of comedy duo Cannon and Ball, Tommy will be hoping the judges are smiling for the right reasons. Expected position: 20
David Harper(02 of20)
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An antiques expert, David will be hoping that he has the contemporary cuisine knowledge to match. Expected position: 19
Laila Morse(03 of20)
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An 'EastEnders' alumna and reality show veteran, Laila won't be daunted. Expected position: 18
Sid Owen(04 of20)
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Another veteran of Albert Square, surely after taking part in The Jump, this should be easy business. Expected position: 17
Amelle Berrabah(05 of20)
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One of the Sugababes... any good with savoury? She looks like someone who doesn't resort to a KFC on the way home. Expected position: 16
Tina Malone(06 of20)
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Best known for playing Mimi Maguire in 'Shameless', we're expecting bold dish choices from Tina. And she won't take any nonsense from Greg. Expected position: 15
Richard Coles(07 of20)
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As a pop star turned vicar, he'll know his pastries and cream teas, and after reading his eye-popping memoir, winning Masterchef wouldn't be the strangest thing to happen in his eventful life.Expected position: 14
Alexis Conran(08 of20)
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Star of 'The Durrells', Alexis is known for his hustling skills, so will be able to get himself out of a tricky corner if anything doesn't go to plan. Expected position: 13
Jimmy Osmond(09 of20)
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Someone's got to feed that huge Osmond clan... Expected position: 12
Louise Minchin(10 of20)
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To look that good on all those early morning rises, Louise must be getting her menu right. Expected position: 11
Audley Harrison(11 of20)
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All those hours in the ring can only be effective on a balanced diet, which means Audley must know his carbs from his cabbages. Expected position: 10
Cherry Healey(12 of20)
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Surely you don't make all those TV shows on supermarket food without picking up a few tips?Expected position: 9
Amy Childs(13 of20)
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The surprise card - will either sink, or swim all the way to the trophy. 'Who's Doing the Dishes' proved she knows her way round the kitchen.Expected position: 8
Sinitta(14 of20)
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You don't get to look like Sinitta, without knowing how to cook up perfect food. However, her stint in the jungle revealed she does falter under pressure.Expected position: 7
Liz Johnson(15 of20)
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The Paralympian swimmer will be nothing if not competitive. Expected position: 6
Simon Webbe(16 of20)
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He knows how to cook up a feast out of almost nothing after his stint in the 'I'm a Celeb' jungle. And after his runner-up spot on 'Strictly', he'll be determined to go one better. Expected position: 5
Neil Back(17 of20)
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There's a tradition of sporting heroes thriving on the pressure of reality show competitions - will Neil keep up the good work? Expected position: 4
Gleb Sevchenko(18 of20)
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After wowing fans on 'Strictly', Gleb will be hoping his hands can perform as many miracles as his feet. Again, you don't get to dance like that without knowing about nutrition, but that's not necessarily the same as fine dining.Expected position: 3
Marcus Butler(19 of20)
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Marcus already demonstrates his skills on his YouTube channel where four million subscribers watch him create music, sports footage and... healthy lunches. What?? This is surely a massive advantage for him going in. Expected position: 2
Donna Air(20 of20)
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As a style writer, Donna will have an indisputable advantage when it comes to presentation. Expected position: 1