Tulisa: 'I Had Breakdowns, Panic Attacks And Depression That Would Last For Days' | HuffPost

'I Had Breakdowns And Depression That Would Last For Days'

Matt Bagwell— The Huffington Post UK

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Tulisa has revealed just how dark her life became after she was the subject of a drugs sting, which led to her arrest for 'being concerned in the supply of class A drugs'.

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The former 'X Factor' judge says she fell into deep bouts of depression that would 'last for three days' as the high-profile case came to court.

Tulisa

"I had little breakdowns and depression that would last for three days," she told Grazia magazine.

"I also started suffering from panic attacks. I used to get them when I was really young but they came back.

"I’d be out having a drink and then I wouldn’t be able to breathe, would freak out and I’d feel like my heart was going to stop."

Six months after her arrest, Tulisa was formally charged by police, and things went from bad to worse and she tried to commit suicide.

"I didn’t think I could hack being torn apart in court,’ she explains. "That night was horrific. I don’t know where my head was. I’d already gone through six months of it and I was told I’d have to wait another six months for the trial where I could be sent to prison for eight months.

"It just hit me that night and I put myself in a stupid headspace and luckily Gareth [her best friend and PA] found me… I’d taken a load of pills and Gareth rang the ambulance. It was, thank God, a failed attempt."

The case was ultimately thrown out of court after it emerged that a key witness might have lied in a pre-trial statement and therefore could have ‘manipulated evidence’.

"It has been the worst year of my life… so being back is the best feeling ever," she says. "There is nothing right now that can take me off my high. You either fall or you fight – and I chose to fight. I’m ready for anything now."

Tulisa through the years

T4 on the beach - Weston-Super-Mare(01 of38)

N-Dubz performing at T4 on the Beach, at Weston Super Mare in Somerset. (credit:PA)

N-Dubz at Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park - London(02 of38)

Chart-topping N-Dubz will today swap the stage for the cemetery and the mic for the pitchfork to help 45 young volunteers at Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park, East London transform a deconsecrated cemetery into a woodland retreat for nearby residents. The hip-hop three-piece will join volunteers amongst the gravestones for an Orange RockCorps volunteer project that will involve chopping down trees and hacking back centuries of overgrowth. (credit:PA)

Radio 1's Big Weekend(03 of38)

N-Dubz backstage at Radio 1's Big Weekend at Lydiard Park in Swindon. (credit:PA)

V Festival 2011 - Chelmsford(04 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos of N Dubz performing on day two of the V festival in Chelmsford, Essex. (credit:PA)

V Festival 2011 - Chelmsford(05 of38)

Tulisa from N-Dubz performs on the 4 Music Stage at the V Festival in Chelmsford. (credit:PA)

Capital FM's Jingle Bell Ball - Day One - Press Room - London(06 of38)

(left to right) Dappy, Tulisa and Fazer of N-Dubz in the press room of Capital FM';s Jingle Bell Ball at the O2 Arena in London. (credit:PA)

Pride of Britain Awards - London(07 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos arriving for the Pride of Britain awards at the Grosvenor House Hotel, London. (credit:PA)

Tulisa Contostavlos perfume launch - London(08 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos launches her new fragrance The Female Boss at the The Perfume Shop, Oxford Street London. (credit:PA)

Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women Awards - London(09 of38)

Jade Thirlwall, Perrie Edwards and Leigh-Anne Pinnock of Little Mix, with mentor Tulisa Contostavlos (middle) at the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women Awards at Banqueting House, Whitehall, London. (credit:PA)

BBC Children In Need Appeal 2011(10 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos of The Collective performs during the BBC Children In Need Appeal 2011, at the BBC Television Centre, Wood Lane, White City, London. (credit:PA)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part One UK Premiere - London(11 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos arriving for the UK premiere of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, at the Westfield Stratford City, Stratford, London. (credit:PA)

National Television Awards 2012 - Show - London(12 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos collects the Best Talent Show award for X Factor on stage during the 2012 NTA Awards at the O2, Greenwich, London (credit:PA)

Tulisa Contostavlos(13 of38)

British singer, Tulisa Contostavlos, arrives for the FHM 100 Sexiest Women in the World Party, at a central London venue. Tuesday, May 1, 2012. (AP Photo/Jonathan Short) (credit:AP)

The X Factor(14 of38)

Tulisa arrives on the red carpet for the first round of X Factor auditions at the Echo Arena, Liverpool. (credit:PA)

FHM 100 Sexiest Women In The World 2012 launch party - London(15 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos arrives at the FHM 100 Sexiest Women In The World 2012 launch party at Proud Bank in London. (credit:PA)

The X Factor(16 of38)

X Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlosmeets the fans as she arrives at the X Factor auditions at the O2 in Greenwich, London. (credit:PA)

Tulisa joins V Festival line-up(17 of38)

File photo dated 25/01/12 of Tulisa Contostavlos, who has been added to the line-up for the V Festival. The singer joins headliners The Stone Roses and The Killers at the event, which runs across two days on two sites in Essex and Staffordshire. (credit:PA)

The X Factor Auditions - Manchester(18 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos during The X Factor Auditions in Manchester (credit:PA)

Tulisa Contostavlos(19 of38)

British singer Tulisa Contostavlos performs on stage at the 2012 Wireless Music Festival in Hyde Park, central London, Saturday, July 7, 2012. (AP Photo/Joel Ryan) (credit:AP)

Barclaycard Wireless Festival 2012 - London(20 of38)

Tulisa performs at the Barclaycard Wireless Festival 2012 at Hyde Park in London. (credit:PA)

Tulisa Contostavlos In Court - London(21 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos outside the High Court in London after formally settling her legal action against an ex-boyfriend over a sex tape of the couple which appeared on the internet. (credit:PA)

X Factor Launch 2012 - London(22 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos (left) and Nicole Scherzinger arriving at the launch of this year's X Factor at the Corinthian Hotel in London. (credit:PA)

X Factor auditions - Manchester(23 of38)

X Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos arrives at Event City in Manchester for the second day of X Factor auditions in the city. (credit:PA)

V Festival 2012 - Weston Park(24 of38)

Tulisa performing on main stage of V Festival in Weston Park. (credit:PA)

Tulisa(25 of38)

Tulisa performing at the V Festival in Hylands Park, Chelmsford, eastern England, Sunday, Aug. 19, 2012. (AP Photo/PA, Yui Mok) (credit:AP)

V Festival 2012 - Chelmsford(26 of38)

Tulisa performing at the V Festival in Hylands Park, Chelmsford. (credit:PA)

V Festival 2012 - Chelmsford(27 of38)

Tulisa performing on The Virgin Media Stage at the V Festival in Hylands Park, Chelmsford. (credit:PA)

V Festival 2012 - Chelmsford(28 of38)

Tulisa performing on The Virgin Media Stage at the V Festival in Hylands Park, Chelmsford. (credit:PA)

X Factor Launch 2012 - London(29 of38)

(left - right) Tulisa Contostavlos, Louis Walsh, Nicole Scherzinger and Dermot O'Leary at the launch of this year's X Factor at the Corinthian Hotel in London. (credit:PA)

X Factor auditions - Liverpool(30 of38)

X Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos arrives at the Echo Arena in Liverpool, where the latest round of auditions for the show are taking place. (credit:PA)

Barclaycard Wireless Festival 2012 - London(31 of38)

Tulisa performs at the Barclaycard Wireless Festival 2012 at Hyde Park in London. (credit:PA)

2012 Mobo Nominations - London(32 of38)

Tulisa attends the announcement of the nominees for the MOBO Awards in Wardour Street, London. (credit:PA)

Tulisa reveals horror of sex attack(33 of38)

X Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos has said she was drugged and sexually abused when she was 16, and did not tell her family or the police. (credit:PA)

2009 MOBO Awards - Glasgow(34 of38)

Tulisa from N-Dubz arriving for the 2009 MOBO awards at the SECC in Glasgow (credit:PA)

FHM 100 Sexiest Women In The World 2012 launch party - London(35 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos arrives at the FHM 100 Sexiest Women In The World 2012 launch party at Proud Bank in London. (credit:PA)

Tulisa Contostavlos Book Signing - Kent(36 of38)

N Dubz singer Tulisa turned X Factor judge signs copies of her autobiography Honest: My Life So Far at WHSmiths in Kent. (credit:PA)

Tulisa Contostavlos Book Signing - Kent(37 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos at a signing session for her new book, Honest: My Story So Far at WHSmith in Bluewater Shopping Centre, Greenhithe. (credit:PA)

Tulisa Contostavlos Book Signing - Kent(38 of38)

Tulisa Contostavlos at a signing session for her new book Honest: My Story So Far at Bluewater Shopping Centre. (credit:PA)

Tulisa also addressed whispers that she's had surgery after many commented on her fuller lips and swollen face on the steps of court.

"I looked really gaunt from the stress [of the trial]," she explains. "I wanted to perk myself up a bit and I’d always wanted my lips done.

"But with the cheeks I didn't know that I suffered from water retention and the first thing that fillers do is draw water to the area, so it started swelling up.

"The worst thing is that it would happen in the morning, so I would wake up like a blow fish when I was going to court. I've been having collagen waves to take them down. I haven't had surgery though. If I had, I'd just say. What’s the point in lying?"

Tulisa's single 'Living Without You' is released 7 December. Read the rest of Tulisa’s interview in this week’s issue of Grazia - on sale now.

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